Use your imagination.

Sometimes I hear cliche phrases, intending to console and comfort, and all I feel is a spike of rage. Just for an instant a little flame of fury flares up deep in my belly and is quelled a moment later by a deep breath. 

There are lists of these stupid phrases everywhere on the internet, the simple dos and don'ts when speaking to a grieving human. Despite these lists ever present on the interweb, I often hear people spout them off, not even to me and the emotion arises all the same. 

"Everything happens for a reason." 

"God has a plan." 

"You're so strong."

Bullshit upon bullshit upon ignorance. 

I usually let it slide when it's being spewed in my direction. Because ninety one percent of me believes it's coming from a good place. (And because hitting strangers is against the law.) I also firmly believe that when faced with this situation, saying something (however stupid) to the grieving party is leaps and bounds better than saying nothing at all. 

I read an essay a few years back, after Oliver died, where a man reflected on one of these cliche phrases. The phrase had been said to me many times that year but never given me much pause until I read this man articulate his feelings on the subject. (I can't find the piece or remember who wrote it, if I could I would paste the link here and keep my words to myself.) 

It hit me again today, the obnoxiousness of it all, as I read the internet grieve over a local boy who passed away today. Nine years old. Cancer. So totally and completely unfair. And people were reaching out, parents mostly, sending condolences to his parents and family. 

"I can't imagine." 

Innocuous enough, right? 

Seems true even. Because how could you imagine something that you never have gone through personally. 

Oh wait. We do it all the time. We call it literature. And television. And movies. 

What people really mean to say is, "I don't want to imagine." I don't want to imagine how terribly fucking awful it feels to lose a child. 

I'll tell you: it is the worst. I don't have to imagine. 

Why would anyone want to imagine the pain of such a thing? Well, let me tell you: if you think imagining it is bad, try living it. So the very least you could do for the person in the midst of tragedy is take the time to imagine how the person is feeling, or how you would feel if you were in the same situation. 

Just imagine it. Because then you might stop yourself from saying something stupid.